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Melissa Portan LMSW, MEd

Writer & Sexologist

Melissa is a 5th generation spiritual guide who specializes in helping others find their own spiritual path. She is also a sex and relationship therapist practicing in NYC.


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Sex Toys: How to Use Sex Toys on a Woman

Humanity really demonstrates its imaginative nature through sex and it can be seen in the endless variation of sex toys available. For simplicity and clarity, for effectiveness and ease of understanding, we are going to focus on women today and just a couple of sex toys. But before we go any further, here are a few things you should consider before you begin using any sex toy on your partner: the mental and the physical aspects.

The Mind. Why someone decides to use a sex toy is really a personal, intimate choice and for everyone it is different. Regardless of how someone reaches the decision of exploring sex toys, there is one central theme to the thought process; the desire to experience new sensations. If your female partner wants to use sex toys and include them in your sex sessions, it is most likely because she wants to experience something different and something more. Now this is the tricky part, this is where people struggle with the idea of using sex toys. Whether you are a heterosexual couple, or a lesbian couple, or another type of couple, the idea of using sex toys on your partner can expose insecurities. This is why before actually buying a sex toy and bringing it home you need to take time to think about it, take time to be sure that you will be okay with it. Fear of being insufficient for your partner usually arises when sex toys are brought up because there is a misconception in society that sex toys are a replacement for the opposite sex and/or partner. This is not true. I have said this before and I’ll probably say it again later on; sex toys are not a replacement for a partner, they are an experience. The desire to experience something more does not mean that you are not enough,; it means that there is a desire to experience more of the sexual body.

The Soul and Sexual Body. The sexual body is an integral part of who we are. A simple clitoral orgasm is only a part of what a woman can experience. A woman’s sexual body is complex and varied, just as a male's is, but the focus of this post is on the female body. The differences in a woman’s sexual body are beautiful and intricate. Adding sex toys to your sex life will expose other sides of her sexual body. The sexual body consists of the mental body, the emotional body, and the physical body; like everything else, the sexual body is interwoven with all parts of your existence. When someone suddenly has an urge to try something new in their sexual life it is because his or her energy is opening, expanding, growing. This is good so long as it is balanced with the other parts of your life. So when somebody wants to experiment with sex toys it may be because their energy is opening up and receiving new energy. This “new energy” is not actually “new” but just energy on reserve. That’s why partners are often surprised when the other suggests this type of sexual experimentation; because it seems unexpected, new, and unfounded. The truth is you are just getting to know each other better.

The Physical Body and The Toy. Now for the physical body. Before actually buying a sex toy or using one, consider your body, your partner’s body, and consider how you want to include in your sex life. When considering your partner’s body, think of what will please her the most, what she wants. This is why it is important to have a conversation with your partner. Once you feel comfortable with the idea of using this “tool” you can actually move on to getting the toy.

If it is your first time shopping for a sex toy, start out with a simple one. A simple, hard-shelled vibrator may do the trick. A gel and textured vibrator may also be really exciting and pleasurable. If you are intimidated or unsure, stick to the basics, they will add more than enough stimulation, pleasure, variety, and excitement.

The Technique. Now for the hot stuff. How exactly are you supposed to use this thing? The most important thing to keep in mind when including a sex toy in your sex session is pacing. You do not want to go straight for the clitoris. I mean, you may want to go straight for the clitoris, but to truly experience profound pleasure, pacing yourself and your partner is most beneficial. Proper pacing builds up sexual tension and energy that intensifies the whole experience. Even though you may have in your hands the best vibrator/sex toy, you do not want to start your sexual union with it. Begin the union with yourself. Begin the union by connecting with each other, by touching each other, by arousing each other, and exploring each other. Once your sexual energies are raised enough, you can begin including the sex toy.

Start with light touches and if the toy vibrates, start at the lowest setting. Again, it is about pacing, about building up to the strongest and most intense experience you can share with each other. You may want to tease your partner and stroke her labia majora (her external vaginal lips), and you may want to gently tease her clitoris. Little by little intensify your use of the sex toy and your focus. You begin with a general area, the pelvic area for example, and then you gradually narrow the area of your attentions. Sliding the toy up and down her opening without penetrating her can be deeply arousing.

It is at this point that you should have made a choice: do you want your partner to orgasm from the stimulation the sex toy is causing, or do you want to give her multiple orgasms (one with the toy and one with your body, etc.), or do you want to use the toy while you use your body? If you have never given your partner multiple orgasms without the aid of a sex toy, then I do not recommend you do so in this instance. The reason for this being that if you give your partner multiple orgasms using this sex toy your mind will subconsciously make the association that multiple orgasms can only happen with sex toys and it will make you even more insecure, even if immediately you are not aware of it. However, everyone is different and if that is what you want to do, then go for it. If you feel ready and comfortable, then do not hesitate because of something you read online.

Another thing to keep in mind is to not forget yourself, meaning, do not forget to kiss her, to caress her, to embrace her. Often, what makes a sexual experience memorable, meaningful, and more pleasurable is the emotional, and sometimes spiritual, bonding that happens in those moments of passion. Communicate to your partner the desire, admiration, and arousal you feel for them through touch, through words, and moans.

Causing your partner an orgasm depends on all we have discussed in this post and more. Find the pace that most causes her pleasure. Find the right angle and spot to stimulate in order to cause the most pleasure. Through communication, both verbal and body language, you will find what works.




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