Originally published at the important 1111 blog on January 6, 2014.
The issue of premature ejaculation is something that does not only affect the man in the relationship, but also the woman. Ladies, today we are going to talk about this issue and rest assured that there are solutions; but first we have to understand and discuss exactly what premature ejaculation is and how it affects your partner.
First, let's consider the concept of premature ejaculation. I have to be honest with you and tell you that I do not like the words or the meaning and especially the stigma that it brings, but I will use this term because there is no other and to maintain clarity. Ejaculation is considered premature primarily when the man does it before his partner, when the man reaches orgasm and is satisfied before his partner. When this happens, he is not able to get an erection until after a few minutes, depending on age, arousal levels, other factors, and his emotional state during the sex session. There is also the premature ejaculation that occurs when a man is alone and is masturbating. In this case, he might not have been able to thoroughly enjoy the experience and the orgasm may not be that satisfying. Let us focus, ladies, on the case that includes the heterosexual couple, the case that includes women.
So, premature ejaculation is only considered premature when a man ejaculates and orgasms before the woman. We have to remember that sex is an act of union and it happens through different levels. Union, during sex occurs through the physical body, the mental body, the emotional body, and the spiritual body. (To read about love and how it moves through the bodies of the Soul, go here.) All these different levels of existence work together and energy flows through them simultaneously to provide us with the experience we are currently aware of. But sex is an act of union between those involved in the act too. When you have sex with your husband, with your partner, or with your boyfriend, you are joining yourself to your partner. You are both performing and partaking in a union that is at once mundane and divine. When we understand that sex is about giving and receiving we realize that we are both responsible for it; we are both responsible for creating this union and for the giving and receiving. This does not mean that one is to blame over the other; it simply means that the experienced is shared and the responsibility is shared. Blaming is useless. And guilt is degrading.
Society tends to rest the total responsibility for pleasure experienced during sex on men and we are ingrained with certain beliefs concerning our own sexual behavior. Meaning that the man is the one that initiates the sex session and he is responsible for carrying out the actual union. The sexual union and the pleasure experienced during it depends on the penis, at least, when we view it through the eyes of the majority. It is unfortunate that society places so much importance on the penis, so much so that other parts of the male body are neglected. A man is not summed up by his penis just as a woman is not summed up by her breasts. A man can feel pleasure in other parts of his body. And a woman is capable of both driving the sexual union and giving great pleasure. However, some might forget or ignore the role a woman has in the sexual union and attribute to her only the aspects of seductress and pleasure vehicle. We women are capable and we are therefore responsible for the pleasure given and received during sex. We are not just waiting and expectant of pleasure, but we are active and seeking of it too. Now, I am not saying that you are not already doing this, but this aspect of a woman's sexuality is often overlooked, ignored, or repressed. If we consider our role in a sexual union in this manner we can see that in not allowing a woman to pursue and express her sexuality, and in not embracing this aspect of her being, a man is keeping away something beautiful and enchanting. This does not mean that it is the man's fault or that he is actively repressing your sexuality, but that the views of society are repressing your own views of sexuality, of what is proper, and you are thereby not expressing yourself fully and comfortably. The reason I am talking about this is because in a union where love and passion are the primary binders, balance between both sides is what brings about the greatest satisfaction and the greatest happiness. This means that nor a man is to repress a woman and nor a woman is to repress a man. We are to embrace the other's strengths and the other's sensitivity, sensitivity not weakness, and we are to play with these elements of our being.
No one in the relationship is to be blamed for premature ejaculation. If it happens it is not because he is incapable of pleasing you sexually or because he is not enough of a man. It is natural for it to happen every now and again, but if it is the norm, then there is a problem (I use the word problem very lightly here.). But because there is a problem it does not mean that he, your partner, is to be blamed, nor that you are the reason for it. There are many different ways that your sex life can be improved and varied.
Because of societal pressure on men, some men will not research the matter or will not want to talk about it. You can refer him to a previous post specifically for men here if you find it useful or if he doesn't want to talk about it. Many feelings come up during sex and when premature ejaculation happens, those feelings tend to be negative. He might feel ashamed because of feelings of inadequacy, embarrassed at leaving you hanging, confused as to why this is happening to him, angry and frustrated because of his expectations of himself and of sex overall.
The norm in today's society is that there is to be one orgasm per sex session and on top of that, that that orgasm is to be experienced simultaneously. Both men and women are extremely sensual and sexual by nature and to think that the most you can have is a single orgasm is not fair to Nature. A man is capable of having multiple orgasms and of maintaining his erection through them. Furthermore, he is not only capable of bringing you great pleasure with his penis but also with his hands and with his mouth. An orgasm shared between both is a wonderful experience, but it cannot happen if there is not communication. And sometimes, one person may orgasm before the other; when this happens it is no less wonderful and no less meaningful. Expectations and placing importance on a single orgasm causes stress and to sharp a focus on achieving instead of experiencing.
Namaste.