Updated: Dec 8, 2019
I am in a point in my life where I just want to give myself over to what I feel inside. I am in a place where I no longer have the energy or will to deal with hesitation, fear, and resentments. Underneath it all, there’s a prolonged and quiet tiredness.
I checked the blog, and much to my inner turmoil, I realized that I have not posted anything new in almost a year now. The year of 2017 for me was a time of gathering and accumulation, of change, growth, and most of all, failure. Now, I feel it’s time for me to give, release, to pour myself into what I do. It has nothing to do with the beginning of a calendar year. I realize, while examining this desire I have, this need I have to be genuine, free, and generous, has existed for years now. But I’ve always had someone to tell me otherwise, to discourage me from giving because of fear of getting hurt, fear of getting rejected, fear of not getting anything back. There was always a bitter recoil after my attempts at generosity, whether it be with physical gifts to friends, or time, and favors, because of this egoistic fear. I’ve come to realize that the heavy emotional periods in my life have been largely due to me not allowing myself to be me. If that makes any sense!
So, that is where I am emotionally.
For the past year, I have started working towards a career I didn’t think existed. I’m in graduate school and that has been a steep learning curve. It has been challenging academically, personally, and philosophically. I have found that my sexual-spiritual perspective is valid beyond the constraints of my words on this page. Through you guys, readers, I have found support and inspiration to continue this blog and expand it. Knowing that there are others who have the same experiences and beliefs is a comfort as well as an inspiration. A writer’s work is a lonely affair, you know, so hearing from you and just knowing that you are there means more than you realize. This is also why I have launched the forums because I think it will help others realize they are not alone in how they think, feel, and what they experience. Sharing is not easy. I’ve been trying to get this post done for the past three months, so I appreciate whenever somebody shares a personal experience or ideas with me.
I don’t know what else I can tell you. I have a bunch of plants in my apartment that make me feel more conscientious. I want to do live videos for you guys and have video group chats, but I am horribly awkward when talking to a camera. But I will try. I ride my green motorcycle everyday to wherever. For the most part, my commutes are filled with nice people and waving at children because they really like my pink ponytails. My Harley-riding neighbor does too, and I offered to fight him for the right to wear them. He declined. So I’m just going to go ahead and declare that a win. 😉
Anyway, thanks for hanging out around here!