It is so very easy to fall into the trap of chasing an orgasm. When orgasm is the ultimate thing you can experience it becomes the focal point of the sexual union, and if this mindset is sustained for a long period of time, it becomes the focus of the relationship itself. This can create issues of communication, emotional rifts, sexual dissatisfaction, performance anxiety, even infidelity. When it comes to creating a long-lasting, healthy relationship, sexual satisfaction and intimacy are important elements. The importance and intensity we place on sexual satisfaction versus intimacy, depends on the relationship, what you prioritize, and what you want. Understanding that the place of orgasm shifts depending on multiple variables is important to the health and longevity of a relationship.

So, what is the place of orgasm?

Not all nights are the same. Some sexual unions have the sole purpose of physical and sexual satisfaction. In such situations, the place of orgasm is at the center, or if we think of the union as being increasing stages, like a pyramid, then orgasm is at the very top or at the peak of the union. This is the place of orgasm.

Another way to visualize the role orgasm has in your relationship is to picture a circle with a bright red dot somewhere within it. If that red dot is at the center of the circle, then this would mean that orgasm is at the center of a union. The brighter and the wider the red dot is, the more important orgasm is in a union. Now, let go of any judgement as we progress in this discussion, as that is not what we are trying to do here. There is no better or worse placement of this bright red dot in the circle and its placement is not permanent. Therefore, judgements on the “correctness” of the dot’s placement are futile. Going back to our visualization of the place of orgasm, perhaps the red dot begins to expand within the circle until it reaches the very edges. This would mean that orgasm is the absolute purpose of the union. This can happen in unions like “one-night-stands” where orgasm is often the only reason for the union.

The Shifting of the Place of Orgasm in Established Relationships

I use the phrase “established relationship” loosely here as how long a relationship has existed is not much of an indicator of fulfillment and overall health. I think that a relationship that has established boundaries and shared expectations, whatever those may be, can be called an established relationship. Although, I personally think that at least a solid year of unity is another good marker for an established relationship.

Taking what we have discussed and applying it to your relationship, the importance and fervor of reaching orgasm with each other, because of each other, will inevitably change. This is natural. Changes in desire and intensity are natural internal movements that occur individually as well as in the relationship. Finding sexual pleasure with each other will sometimes be less important than resolving emotional issues. If you are mad at your partner, connecting each other’s sexual energies will be more difficult or impossible because of the emotional and mental obstacles. In such a case, the place of orgasm shifts from being at the center of the circle to the outer edges and in its stead lies the need to resolve whatever issue may be causing the blocking emotions.

What to do with the Big-O?

Orgasm is so wonderful, experiencing it with a partner so valuable, that we become attached to it. This is the trap of orgasm. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that orgasm needs to be ever-present, that orgasm is the height of your relationship pyramid, that it is the best and most important thing in your relationships, that it is the only thing keeping you together. It is not, at least, not always. Embracing this perspective on orgasm, and sexual intimacy in general, will relieve some of the strain and pressure you may be experiencing in your relationship. The need to perform, to please, to be better, to compete with the world of pornography, to try things you’re not necessarily comfortable doing, will diminish once you understand and accept that you don’t have to constantly chase orgasm. The place of orgasm is ever-shifting and you will exhaust yourself, your partner, and your relationship trying to pin it down. Let it run free and you’ll find a profound, stable pleasure in your union.