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Melissa Portan LMSW, MEd

Writer & Sexologist

Melissa is a 5th generation spiritual guide who specializes in helping others find their own spiritual path. She is also a sex and relationship therapist practicing in NYC.


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How to Find Your Soul Mate

Chances are you already have a soul mate in your life. There are different types of soul mates (read about the different types here) and perhaps it is not the relationship you are looking for.

Here are a couple of things you can do to attract the soul mate you desire:

1. Clarify what kind of soul mate and what kind of relationship you want. Do you want a short-term relationship? Do you want to get married? Depending on how you answer these questions the soul mate that fits into your life will come around. Once you have clarity in your life you will be able to distinguish between relationships that are wasting your time, repetitive relationships, harmful relationships, and you will have more energy to allow your soul mate to reach you. Think of all the relationships or connections you have made with men or with women that have led to less than what you had hoped for and think of them as grey clouds hiding the sun from you. Once you understand and see what you want and what works for you, you can begin to one by one move those clouds until the sun is once again revealed.

2. Take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself should be number one on this list but often we consider ourselves later on in the process that is love. Take care of yourself. Do what you love to do. Be good at what you love to do because when you are certain of who you are and what you do and what you are meant to do, you will not get lost in life or in a relationship. Maintain your health and your identity. Knowing who you are will, again, open that energy channel to connect you with your soul mate and the universe will move to bring you together. When you are certain of who you are and you are taking care of yourself you become ten times more attractive…to everyone. Confidence and beauty radiate from within you and that light will attract your soul mate.

3.  Perhaps this may sound odd or counterintuitive, but don’t think about it. Don’t constantly think about looking or finding your soul mate. Soul mates are a natural part of life. Some believe in soul mates and others laugh at the idea, yet we all experience connections with certain persons that feel intimate beyond reason. So, try not to obsess or overly think the process or idea of finding your soul mate. Just live your life and focus on what you want to do. Realize your potential and desires as much as you can and your soul mate will pop into your life out of nowhere.

4.  Your emotions. Release whatever hurt and pain past relationships have caused you so that you can find a soul mate closer to your essence. When you are still hurt or confused about a recent or long gone relationship you will attract a soul mate that can be insensitive to your needs and pains or who is equally suffering. Free yourself from those things that have hurt. How do you free yourself? You sit with those nasty emotions, set them across from you in a chair, look them straight in the eye, and have a deep conversation. Understand your emotions and why you are feeling them. Once you understand why you feel something you can let it go or you can take steps to improve your situation.

5. Considering that the term soul mate has the word soul in it you should tend to your soul. Are you meeting your spiritual needs? Are you spiritually satisfied? This means either going to church or meditating regularly or having a spiritual practice in place. However, I don’t think that you need to do either of those things in order to find a soul mate. Just make sure that you are in a good place when it comes to your soul and your place in the world. (For more read this.)

To find your soul mate you don’t need to have everything figured out. You don’t need to know the answers to heavy questions. You don’t need to be a supermodel, either very skinny or very muscular. To find a soul mate you do not need to be a spiritual person or religious. You can be gay or lesbian and find your soul mate. You can be who you are and find a soul mate.



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