Melissa Portan MSW, MEd

Writer & Sexologist

Melissa is a 5th generation spiritual guide and healer who specializes in helping others find their own spiritual path. She is also a sex and relationship therapist practicing in NYC.


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Sex Toys: How and Why They are Beneficial

Sex toys. There is a lot of stigma and perhaps misinformation about using sex toys and the people that use them. But sex toys are not bad or harmful and the people that use them are not necessarily sex addicts. The benefits of using sex toys depend on how they are used and how we think about them.

Sex toys have been around for a very very very long time. Dildos are not a modern invention. Pop culture with television shows like Masters of Sex   might cause people to think that vibrators and dildos were only just invented in the 1950’s, but that is a huge misconception. The Kama Sutra talks about dildos and how women used them to please themselves, their female counterparts, and even their husbands. What the ancient Indian women used as dildos is of debate, but vegetables and fruits have been useful. The ancient Greeks also used dildos in the worshiping of certain gods and during rituals. There is a whole hidden and somewhat lost history of the ancient people and their sexuality. And so, dildos are not a new invention.

But how are sex toys beneficial today? The most common complain couples have about their sex life is that it has

When wanting to spice up your relationship do not approach sex toys as the solution to all your sex related problems. Sex toys are most beneficial in a relationship when they are used as enhancement, as things to explore new and deeper aspects of your sexuality, and used occasionally. Used occasionally because again, you do not want to fall into a routine and develop a habit. For couples that have fallen away from each other sexually, where there is very little sex and very little interest in the topic overall, and even little time for sex, sex toys are very useful. If there is little sex and disinterest in sex it is because someone has disconnected himself or herself from his or her own sexual identity, his or her own sexual self and expression. What this means is that he or she might not want to have sex or might have a low sex drive because 1. he or she forgot how sexy he or she is 2. too much going on and sacrificed/cut-off that part of himself or herself to keep things going 3. feelings of insecurity and not feeling sensual. Sometimes a person just needs to remember how sexy they are. And sex toys are great for that, sex toys are great in helping people and couples regain their sexuality and fully express their sensuality. That is why sex toys improve couples’ sex lives, because each individual experiences his or her own sexual awakening or revival and when these two energized and awakened individuals unite, sparks fly.

For those that are single sex toys are usually seen as a replacement for real sex. What is real sex? Real sex is defined as being between two people, or more. But masturbation is an important, if not vital, part of your sex life. Masturbation is no less important than sex with a partner. Why? Because through masturbation you learn what you really enjoy, you get to know your body intimately, and you get to pleasure yourself without the aid of anyone else; this can cause confidence and independence and eventually those things improve sexual health and your sex life. (Read an article here.)

Sex toys are not just for women. Men can use sex toys too. Men can use sex toys too and explore different physical sensations. The male orgasm is not as limited as most think and the male clitoris can take the stimulation of a vibrator. Using a vibrator on his penis a man can experience a different type of orgasm, multiple orgasms, and develop more control over his member. With a dildo a man can experience the g-spot orgasm and the anal orgasm. Using dildos and vibrators is very beneficial for a man because the gap between his sexual orientation and his sexuality is bridged, meaning that he becomes more comfortable and confident about himself and his sexual identity.

That is the major and most important benefit of using sex toys; becoming comfortable with yourself. It does not matter if you’re gay or a lesbian or in a heterosexual relationship, your sexuality is what improves your sex life and sex toys are there to help you.

Just as men struggle with reaching orgasm too quickly women struggle with not reaching orgasm quick enough or ever. Vibrators, both for men and women, can improve the strength of orgasms and can aid with premature ejaculation in men and difficulty reaching orgasm in women. How? For women, sometimes the difficulties in reaching orgasm are due to the disconnect between her sexuality and not enough sensitivity in her sex. The body gets used to to what we do to it. If a woman is used to taking half an hour to reach orgasm, not even consciously used to it but that is how her body responds and the time it presently needs to reach orgasm, then that is how she will do it most times. Here is where a vibrator can help a woman, by showing her that it does not have to take so long to reach orgasm and by improving sensitivity. When used properly and not excessively, sensitivity of the clitoris can be increased. This is because the mind suddenly realizes that orgasm is not so far off, growing comfort/familiarity with your sex, and because the physical stimulation. For men, vibrators can increase the strength of their erections. Both for men and women, vibrators can be used to train your body, to teach your body, to get to know your body, and the benefits are stronger orgasms, more orgasms, and so on. With vibrators, a man can strengthen his penis to be able to sustain longer sex sessions.

Sex toys are not a replacement for a man or a woman. This is a fear that many men have when their partner’s use sex toys, that she won’t need or want him. But this is not true. A vibrator is something extra and different and not always better, not always a better experience than being kissed and hugged.


Sex Toys!


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