Originally published on January 3, 2014 at the important 1111 blog.
Lord Shiva possesses the snake; the snake does not possess him.
A very sensitive topic is premature ejaculation. It sometimes happens that a man orgasms and ejaculates before his partner (a woman or man). In sacred and tantric sex practices both men and women learn to have multiple orgasms; men without ejaculating and women until they ejaculate. The tendency in men, but also in women sometimes, is to fall asleep or become extremely tired after coitus. This is because the divine sexual energy inherent in the Soul, summoned and moved through the body by arousal and passion, was not properly harnessed and instead it left the body through the penis or vagina, leaving the person exhausted. Sacred sex and Tantra provide us powerful teachings that allow us not to lose our vital sexual energy, thus allowing us to have lots more sex! Of course, this is not the main goal of sacred sex or Tantra, but just one of the many benefits.
Firstly, men, understand that I really don't agree with the term premature ejaculation. If you had an orgasm and ejaculated it is because you were ready to do so and it is not in any way premature. You came because you had reached your apex of pleasure and could not contain or harness the sexual energy flowing through you. The apex of pleasure, your highest point of pleasure can vary from time to time and it is absolutely natural. Some days you will last longer and other days you won't. This is the natural physical state of men and I don't think there is anything to be ashamed about. We are all born raw and full of energy. With time and practice, men and women can learn how to control and harness their sexual energy. It is true that some men ejaculate very easily and more so when they are young, but it is only because they have not learned on their own or have not been taught to ascend their being to their true nature, that divine nature that possesses sexual energy as opposed to being possessed by the sexual energy. So leave behind the shame, the insecurity, and know that unless there is a medical condition causing you to ejaculate before your partner or before the complete fulfillment of your desire, you can learn to harness your sexual energy allowing you to extend the time of your sexual activity.
The act of ejaculating is only considered premature when the man does it before his partner. To me it is unfair to put so much pressure and responsibility on the man especially when sex is a union that happens on multiple levels (spiritual, physical, emotional, mental). The fact that sex is a union means that there are two involved and both share the responsibility of giving and receiving pleasure and love. Perhaps there are men that experience premature ejaculation when they are masturbating and to them I say you have been gifted with a very sensitive instrument! Never think lowly of your sex organ because it is something that has the power to create life and in this sense it is a divine instrument. (Keep in mind that it is no more divine than the female sex organ because both need each other to create life.) So when you are on your way to join with your partner, whether it is another man or a woman, keep in mind that the two of you are sharing an experience and that the two of you are equally responsible for it.
Furthermore, premature ejaculation exists as a term because society thinks and believes that there should only be one orgasm per sex session and even that that orgasm is to be simultaneously shared by both involved. I'm not a doctor and there probably are medical conditions that cause this problem in men, but there is so much stigma and judgment over it because of society's views that perhaps some of those medical conditions can be cured with a change of perspective and practice. It is like when the medical association and the psychologists of the United States redefined and expanded their definition of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). And more children were diagnosed and put on pills when in reality it is the nature of a child to be energetic. This is because a child still hasn't experienced the current oppression and mindset of society and so he or she hasn't created mental, emotional, spiritual blocks that affect him physically. Now, according to WebMD, "in some cases, premature ejaculation may be related to an underlying medical cause such as hormonal problems, injury, or a side effect of certain medicines... For some men, stopping or cutting down on the use of alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs may improve their ability to control ejaculation." So, what I recommend if you think there is a medical condition is that you speak to your doctor and have your hormone levels checked. Too much estrogen (the female hormone) can cause multiple problems. A hormonal imbalance can be treated and cured by exercise, healthy eating habits, even medicine can aid to bring the hormones to proper levels. If you were okay and you received an injury somewhere on the body and now you're experiencing sexual difficulties, definitely see a doctor. I believe that the spiritual and the physical need to work together harmoniously to achieve health. This means that though spirituality can heal us and aid us much, the body, being physical, needs physical attention too.
So let's go back to the concept of premature ejaculation in society and the issue of orgasms. People tend to have the idea that every time we get together to have sex we are to have one orgasm, one big orgasm, and that it is supposed to be experienced simultaneously between the two of us. This manner of looking at sex is very focused on the attainment of pleasure as if pleasure were just a moment and not a series of moments. Pleasure, and that which is experienced during orgasm, is not contained to a single moment. When you touch her shoulder or reach for her breasts you don't just feel pleasure when your finger touches the skin, but also as you think about doing it, as you get close to touching her, and finally when you do touch her. Having sex, making love with your partner or yourself, is not defined by the moment of ejaculation or orgasm. It is not defined at all, rather, it is experienced through our different senses and the different bodies of the Soul and at different moments. In Tantric sex and in sacred sex it happens often that there are multiple orgasms, that there are spiritual experiences and new knowledge is attained. There are different ways of making love and joining yourself with another regardless of your sexual orientation or beliefs, but it is always about giving and receiving. If you happen to ejaculate and orgasm before your partner, and I put these two separately because they don't have to be together, men can have orgasms without ejaculating, so if you happen to ejaculate before your partner, it is not and should not be the end of the sexual union. You have hands and a mouth that can bring about great pleasure to your partner. Your body is not summed up by your penis and it is not the only thing capable of giving pleasure. Unfortunately, society places so much importance on the penis that the other parts of a man get neglected. Next time you are going to join yourself with another remember that you are not just your penis and that it really does not define you.
You'll have to tell me if I'm wrong or not, but perhaps gay couples experience premature ejaculation more than heterosexual couples because of the nature of their sexual union. However, what applies to heterosexual couples applies to gay couples. Just know that it is natural and that you are no less capable of pleasing your partner because you came before he did. Take turns pleasing each other and give each other time and central focus. The pleasure we extract from sex, regardless of our sexuality and sex, not only includes the physical sensations, but also the emotional and mental sensations.
Don't let disappointment and embarrassment cloud your love-making. Realize that you desire the person your with and that if your desire flared and grew once it can grow again. Premature ejaculation happens to every man on this planet. There are days when the body will be too tired to sustain the sexual energy your desire is summoning and it will just release the tension. You don't have to always have multiple orgasms and you can't and shouldn't always orgasm simultaneously with your partner.
So what can you do when that dreaded moment happens and you ejaculate before your partner? There are so many things you can do, my friend. Massage is a wonderful thing and I definitely encourage you to include it in your sex session. (Go here for an introduction to massage for union and to read about some of the benefits of massage.) You can focus on your partner on either pleasing him or her to the point of orgasm and/or ejaculation or you can tease them until you regain your erection. In the end, the best thing to do is to enjoy the experience with your partner. Laugh together. Comfort each other. And please each other.
Namaste.