So it happened and suddenly things are awkward and embarrassing. That is the first thing that should not be done. Do not be embarrassed. Premature ejaculation happens and it is a natural thing, not every day will your sexual energy be high and some days you will be too tired. But embarrassment and all the negative thoughts and emotions is what stops the sex session and makes it more difficult to regain an erection. The first thing you want to do concerning sex, your sex organ, and your partner is change your perspective. This may sound naïve or overly optimistic especially if premature ejaculation has become a persistent issue, but take a moment and think. You are not just your body but you are also your mind. I think therefore I am is what Rene Descartes says. Your thoughts affect your body and your willingness, your self-esteem, all affect the strength of your erection. If you are embarrassed of your erection and think that it is weak and that you keep failing, how easy will it be to get another erection? Not so easy. It is having respect and love for your own body that will allow you to work towards your goal of strengthening your erection, prolonging your sexual unions, and whatever else you want to achieve. (For more on perspective, exercises, search the category: premature ejaculation.)
Embarrassment is not something that can easily be controlled. Once you’re embarrassed that’s it, you blush, you stutter, you start to sweat, and so on. So changing your perception about your sex does not necessarily happen during sex or while losing your erection but before and outside the bedroom, separately from your partner. And it is okay to be embarrassed, what matters is how you handle the situation.
The DONT’S and the Do’s:
1. Don’t apologize. Avoid saying sorry and going on about how it usually doesn’t happen and how you don’t know what is going on. We are going to assume that you were having sex, penetrating your partner, everything was going well, and suddenly you just ejaculated without warning. In this situation, your partner is still aroused and has not reached his or her climax. The reason you do not or should not apologize to your partner when you ejaculate prematurely is because when you do you have already given up and the sex session comes to a close. When you say “I’m sorry” your partner may hear, especially women, “I’m sorry I couldn’t satisfy you and I am sorry because I won’t be getting another erection anytime soon so we are done here.” Although your apology may be heartfelt and honest it causes a sense of finality in your partner and it comes across as defeat, like you have given up.
Another reason you do not want to apologize is because it puts your partner in a difficult situation that can cause him or her embarrassment. If both of you are feeling odd and embarrassed the sexual energy completely disappears and arousal drops quickly, immediately ending the sex session. For women, it is not easy seeing her partner feel so embarrassed or upset about himself. The instinct in a woman is to comfort her partner and often men find this off putting or insulting to their masculinity and apologizing brings out that instinct even more.
Instead, if you find yourself apologizing, try to keep the mood going. For example, “I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself ’cause your so hot/sexy.” This may cause your partner to giggle, blush, and maybe both of you will laugh. A little laughter during sex is great, it eases the tension is causes even more bonding between you and your partner. You may not be comfortable with that exact line, but the point is, if you are going to apologize, express your appreciation and admiration for your partner. Keep it sexy. Often, women mistake a man’s premature ejaculation as a sign of cheating. Often, women can be right where a man is actually not thinking about her. Whatever your situation is, I encourage you not to lie to your partner and not to express anything that you do not actually feel. Sometimes the body expresses the secrets of the mind and if your mind is not on the person you are with, neither will your body.
2. See this as an opportunity. Women are capable of multiple orgasms. Although you no longer have an erection it is still possible to please your partner. Women do not only reach orgasm by penetration and her clitoris is a very sensitive spot that can open her up to multiple orgasms and bring you new insights to her body. Take the moment where you lose your erection not as the end of your sex session but as an opportunity to explore her body, to try something new, to get to know her better sexually. You can incorporate massage, which is erotic massage, you can please her orally, you can please her with you hands, and you can use sex toys. The younger and healthier you are, the sooner you will be able to get a new erection. In the meantime, keep her arousal going and you will find your own rising.
If your partner is a man, it is the same thing. You can still please your partner. Men are also capable of multiple orgasms and you are not limited to your penis to please him. You can use sex toys to change things, erotic massage, oral sex, and masturbation.
Refer to these posts for more on the female orgasm and the male orgasm.
3. Do not think masturbation as invalid or not real sex. Masturbation is essential when dealing with premature ejaculation. Through masturbation you learn the signs of your climax and you learn how to control your erection. But mutual masturbation is sex, it is a form of sexual union. You can either masturbate your partner until she or he reaches orgasm or until you get another erection. Again, view this as an opportunity. This is your chance to see your partner please himself or herself. The sight of seeing her touch her own breasts and play with her own clitoris will be deeply arousing. Also, you will be able to observe how she pleases herself and this will improve your ability to please her. As you gain and improve your sexual skills, you will gain confidence and premature ejaculation will not seem like such a huge and debilitating problem.
Masturbating your partner gives him or her your entire focus and energy. To have your partner give you his or her entire attention selflessly intensifies pleasure and deepens the connection between both. When masturbating your partner you get to take in the view, to experience his or her orgasm and witness its power. You might find that it is mesmerizing and that you discover something new about your partner.
Those are the three Don’ts I have for you today and I am sure there are more. These three guidelines are more about experiencing sex with your partner and opening yourself up to your partner. It is about getting out of your head where there is all that negativity and experiencing, evolving, and learning more. Have a conversation with your partner about premature ejaculation. Tell him or her your concerns and open up this communication, talk about sex. If your partner is a woman, she might open up about her difficulty reaching orgasm and more. There really does not need to be much mention of emotions, just talking about what works and what doesn’t can bring harmony into your sex life.
Namaste.
