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Melissa Portan LMSW, MEd

Writer & Sexologist

Melissa is a 5th generation spiritual guide who specializes in helping others find their own spiritual path. She is also a sex and relationship therapist practicing in NYC.


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Understanding the Question: How do you please a woman?

Many want to know how to please a woman. Pleasing a woman can mean many things. There is sexual pleasure which is physical and there is emotional/mental pleasure which is intangible. There isn’t one single answer to this question. Whether it is a long-term partner or a new partner or even a casual encounter, pleasing your partner is not a simple one-sided thing. Pleasure and satisfaction go together and if we want to please somebody it is because we want them to be satisfied with us, with what we are doing, and eventually with who we are.

Whether you are a man or a lesbian, when it comes to pleasure you have to first understand and clarify what exactly you mean. For example: If we were to take the sentence I want to please my woman and give advice to the person saying it, we could say many things. So first, clarify in what way do you want to please your partner and why do you want to please her. Secondly, why do you feel this need or urgency to satisfy her? The most important question is: why do you feel you need to satisfy her? Do you feel obliged to do so? Do you feel that you have to satisfy her? And if you don’t satisfy her then what do you think will happen or how do you feel about yourself? These are difficult questions that most do not consider and simply continue to try and try pleasing or satisfying their partners, either making it worse or not getting anywhere.


“Rainy Day” by MartinaK15

So why do you want to please your partner? Why do you want to satisfy her? The answer that you give will reveal to you why you are doing what you are doing, which you may not be so aware of. If you are aware of why you are acting the way you are, then do you really understand it and are you comfortable with it or do you want to change it? For example: Let’s say there is a man with a woman and he either sees or has been told or feels that he is not sexually satisfying his partner. After having sex and not being able to please his partner he feels less of a man. Is feeling emasculated what is driving you? Remember that if you are in a similar situation you have no reason to feel less manly, less of a man, and so on, because what makes a man is not his sexual abilities but his mind. If women considered men to be men because of how good they are at sex, then women wouldn’t really need or want a man and instead would use a vibrator. 😉

Both for men and women, confidence should not be based on sexual ability. Real confidence comes from being comfortable with who you are as you are; basically, from self-love. In a relationship you also have to consider whether or not you are being pleased and satisfied. The goal in any relationship is to achieve balance and harmony. Usually a need or urgency to please the other comes from there being a sense within you that you are being completely satisfied, a sense of unfairness, like you are taking more and not giving enough.

Do you want to impress your partner? Yes, I think we all want to impress our partners and be impressed by them. The problem starts when that is the only reason you strive to do things for her. When you do something sexual or during sex that you normally wouldn’t do just to impress her, you might not feel a lasting satisfaction. Instead what is satisfied is your ego and her body, but is that all you want? When you’re constantly trying to please or satisfy your partner you lose sight of your own desires and needs, even of your identity. You might feel proud of yourself after making her cum or with her words of gratitude and praise, but is there something else missing? Here is where both men and women fall into a trap and have multiple relationships in a row that constantly fail. When I say fail, I mean that the connection and energy that was initially felt has quickly gone and both are left disappointed or upset. Serial relationships like this are not positive or really beneficial to the person and when it happens it is most likely because someone was trying to be someone else for the sake of the other person.

Where is the love? Is love the reason you want to satisfy her? Does a sense of sacrifice dictate what you do and why you want to do it? Love is the best way to go about pleasing your partner, whether it is sexually or otherwise. So long as your efforts and love is reciprocated, pleasure and satisfaction will flow. But because there is love or was love in your relationship it does not mean that there won’t be occasional difficulties. Sometimes we become disconnected from our partners and this causes pleasure and satisfaction to fall. When this is the case, all that needs to be done is to reconnect with your partner. Go back to the basics, to what you used to do. Do what the heart dictates.

When it comes to understanding the question, how to please a woman?, it really in essence is understanding yourself. When you understand yourself exactly as your are you achieve peace. Peace is not something you have to wait for or something that is reserved for the enlightened, but a thing that understanding and acceptance brings. Because once you understand the situation and your motives you reach clarity. Clarity is what allows you to act in accordance with who you are and it is what allows you to achieve your goals. And so, once you have clarified your question and understand your own answer, you can move on to the practical aspects of the question; which are, how to sexually satisfy your partner, techniques, and so on.



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